Firemessages 2 0
by TheBurningNight
Summary: Set in Lost Souls, the Shadowhunters have found out that firemessages are not the best way of communicating, so what do they use instead? Emails. Apparantly, everyone has one. Read about The Mortal Instruments characters using their email accounts to communicate with each other, their friends and even their enemys.
1. Home Sweet Freaking Home

**To Jace Herondale**

**From Isabelle Lightwood**

**Subject Home sweet-freaking home**

Yo, homeboy. What's up on the dark side?

Ok. Listen up 'coz I'm only gonna say this once.

YOU NEED TO COME HOME.

Jace, the clave are gonna kill you if they find you and I know you really don't care about your safety but I'll give you a clue: I DO. Think what you'll do to C-dog if you die, she'll be distraught and even more annoying.

Please, Jace. I know it may seem perfect over there but let me tell you a secret: IT'S NOT. You are staying with the guy who killed Max. OUR OWN BROTHER. Think about _that_ next time you two a sipping tea and playing scrabble.

On another note, I have to stay MB's flat and the room he gave me is a SEX DUNGEON. Can ya say creeped out? COZ I CAN.

Come home or I will let the Clave kill you. I might even help.

The resplendent,

**Izzy **

**Re: Home sweat-freaking home**

Homeboy? Seriously?

I don't need to come home, for a number of reasons. And, because I am soooo nice, I will put them in a formatted list.

THE CLAVE WILL KILL ME

And I like here.

See? So why should I come back.

They won't kill me if they can't find me. Which they can't.

Iz, you worry. I won't die, I'm safe here. Seb is also great company. He's really good at scrabble.

Clary isn't annoying! She's amazing in every single way. You're the annoying one.

Dude, I know it's not perfect over there, I'm not an idiot, it's practically chaos, hell in a hand basket. It's nice and peaceful here; it's heaven in a tea cup.

Seb didn't mean to kill Max, it was an accident. He was collateral damage.

That is creepy, maybe he just has a thing for Lightwoods?

Jace.

**Re: Re: Home sweat-freaking home**

Yes, homeboy. I'm practicing guy talk.

Nice list, bro. It could do with some dragons and rainbows and shit.

Uh, hate to break it to you, sunshine, but the clave will kill you over there too. And we know where you are, Clary told us, Venice boy.

Sorry I left such a big space I was just stunned that you said SEBASTION WAS GREAT COMPANY. What the hell has become of you? And I seriously doubt Sebastian is good at scrabble. I thought he could only spell words that started with 'doom' and ended with 'death'.

Clary is annoying. Even Simon said so.

Oh rly? Ur not an idiot? You could have fooled me. And it is NOT that bad over here, sure it's a little bumpy but that's only because of YOU.

My brother was not just collateral damage you hopeless son of a B***.

Ew, that's gross.

The spectacular,

**Izzy **


	2. Explain?

To: Clary  
From: Jace  
SUBJECT: Explain?

Explain?

:D  
Jace

**Re: Explain**

Jace,

Would I lie to you? I love you, remember.

Love, Clary


	3. Wanna Hang Out?

To: Izzy Lightwood  
From: Simon  
SUBJECT: Wanna hang out?

Hey Izzy!

It's Simon, but you already know that :P  
Uh, just emailing you (how cool is it that you have an email—thanks to me, Simon-?) to ask you if wanna hang out.  
Not like a date or anything, just go see a movie or something :D?  
I was thinking The Avenges? Magnus is taking Alec to see it, and I think you might like it.  
I love it, but that's beside the point :)

S.

**Re: Wanna hang out?**

DUDE,

I was trying to speak in guy talk, did it work? I've been studying it for a while now but it's hard at home 'coz Alec talks like an old lady and Jace talks like an extremely conceited squire.

EMAILS ARE STRANGE, STRANGE DEVICES. I mean, what kinda person is just like 'omg I wanna contact this person I know OVER THE INTERENT'. Like, hello? Ever heard of a fire message?

If you couldn't guess I abandoned the guy talk. I'm still practicing, HOMEY.

Uh, The Avengers? Sure, whatever. I don't mind. I'm not really doing anything and I have to get away for MB's flat and all this smoochey talk.

Please tell me Malec is not coming with us. I can't stand sandalwood.

Not a date? Huh, why would be a date in the first place. Like, seriously, not even worth mentioning.

The Spectacular.

Izzy


	4. Sorry

To: Magnus Bane  
From: Alec Lightwood  
SUBJECT: Sorry

**Good morning or afternoon, Magnus, who knows when you'll get this? **

Um, yeah, so you know how we were meant to go to see that movie, uh, The Avenges? And you know how you were really looking forward to it and you said I'd love it? Well, I can't make it to the movies, something has come up and it urgently needs my attention tomorrow, when we said we'd go see the movie, but maybe we can go see it some other time?

I'm really, really, sorry Magnus. I'll feed Chairmen Meow for a week, if you forgive me.

Love,  
**Alec. **

**RE: Sorry**

My Alexander,

Oh, don't worry about it, it's not like it's the first time you cancelled on something I really wanted to do. I'm getting used to it by now.

Curiosity piquing, what came up? Maybe you need some extremely sparkly assistance. Plus, I'm growing tired of all these people in our house. Mrs Fray? Seriously?

Not to mention Isabelle. Oh, god. She thinks nobody is observant enough to notice that she's been sleeping with Simon all night. Honestly. This is growing tiresome.

Don't worry about Chairman Meow. His fat enough as it is.

Again, don't worry. I'm used to it.

Magnus

**RE: RE: Sorry**

**Magnus, **

MAGGIE, PLEASE, I FEEL BAD ENOUGH ALREADY! It's not like I purposely cancel on you, I'm a Shadowhunter, my job isn't really on a schedule. And I don't like cancelling on you, either, so…

ISABELLE IS SLEEPING WITH SIMON!? WHAT!? When did this happen? Why wasn't I notified? Why didn't I see Simon come in? AHH SO MANY QUESTIONS.

What came up? Uh…it's just something with Jace…me and Izzy have to go investigate something in an old church down the road. You don't need to come, you have clients, I wouldn't want to prevent you from doing your job.

You offered to let Mrs Fray stay, just saying.

Chairmen Meow isn't fat. He's pudgy.

:*********(

LOVE,  
**Alec. **

**RE: RE: RE: Sorry**

My Alexander,

O_o

Ok, sweetie, never call me 'Maggie' again, ok? It's kind of alarming.

Sweet Pea, you don't need to reason with me, I get it and I'm not mad that your job means more than your relationships. I know what it's like to date a Shadowhunter, remember?

Alec. Your sister sleeps with everyone. Get over it. Not all people are prudes.

Don't freak ;p. I wasn't going to come. I hate churches, they remind me of Camille.

I took him to the vet and he was diagnosed obese. Stop coddling him otherwise he'll get fatter.

Magnus


	5. The Ring

**To Simon**

**From Clary**

**Subject The Ring**

Hey, Si

No, were not going to talk about Lord of the Rings *My precious*. I actually need to talk to you about AWNSERING YOUR STUPID RING. I needed to tell you something last night and you didn't answer. I know you don't sleep, so what the hell were you doing?

And don't try to lie to me Simon Lewis, 'coz I'll know. And then I'll call Raphael to come and get you.

Love your BFFL,

Clary


	6. The High and Almighty Plan

To: Sebastian  
From: Jace  
SUBJECT: THE HIGH AND ALMIGHTY PLAN

Look, I'm not going to bother with first name pleasantries because they bore me and it's quite obvious I'm emailing you because this is your email address. So…hi.

Oh yes, by the way, there is a reason I'm emailing this to you instead of just, you know, **talking to you, **and that's because of my sexy red headed girlfriend, Clary. Who, now I think about it, is your sister, so just ignore the adjectives in front of her name, okay?

Raziel, I have a way of getting off topic.

I suppose you'd like to know what the topic actually is, huh? Well maybe if you'd ever so kindly read the subject of this email you'd know.

It's about THE PLAN! Yaaay!

Just some technicalities here, bro. You want me to kill the iron sister, right? Not just seriously hurt her? And what will you be doing while I'm out being cool? Looking after Clary?

Oh, and I don't think I can get that special scented candle you need to raise Lilth, sorry about that.

Bye,  
Jace.

**Re: THE HIGH AND ALMIGHTY PLAN**

Look, that stupid paragraph was longer than any first name pleasantries so next time be a little less dense and maybe I'll actually be happy you emailed me.

Really? I thought it was just you be dense again.

Don't worry. I think she's sexy too. ; P. Don't look so disgusted, everyone knows how your so into incest. Even Alec crushed on you. It's a joke, anyway….yeah…a joke…

No, I quite enjoy sitting here listening to your babble about how you want to **do** my sister. Honestly, it was a joke before but now I'm actually considering the seriousness of your denseness.

Okay, Jace, how many times do I have to tell you? KILL THE IRON SISTER. I do not want her seriously injured. She can talk if she's seriously injured and you see, that's what the whole point of killing her is. SO SHE CAN'T TALK….idiot.

Firstly, you think killing someone's cool? And they say I'm the demon.

Secondly, yes, I'll be…looking after Clary. You certainly can't Mister 'I let my girlfriend fall in Lake Lyn.'

I need the scented candle so you need to get it. Honestly, you're a bit of a disappoint today, Jace.

Later dude,

Sebastian Verlac.

P.S. if I was supposed to ignore those adjectives before, why didn't you just delete them?


	7. Simon

**To Kyle**

**From Isabelle**

**Subject Simon**

Waz up, wolf-boy?

Ok, this is rly awkward but since you, like, live with him I figured you would be the best person to ask since Clary's hanging with evil and eviler, so…

What does Simon like? Besides, you know, blood 'coz I already gave him that.

And don't go all 'Life is good, be call, blah, blah, blah, praetor lupus, blah. Because this actually means something to me and if you screw it up I'll screw you over. And not in a good way.

The sexy,

Izzy

P.S. You're out of tequila


	8. Ur Parabatai

**To Alexander Lightwood**

**From Sebastian Verlac**

**Subject Ur Paratabai**

The Gay One,

Sorry about the greeting, I can't remember any of your names so it's just the gay one, the dead one and the whore one.

Missing something? Oh, that's right; it's just your PARATABAI.

I have him, Jace that is. I have Clary too but I didn't think you would care about that.

In regards to your ….anxiousness about Jace. He is perfectly happy with me, AND with Clary, sure he might be trapped by my side forever but he sure is smiling a lot me here then over THERE with the you guys.

I have Hugo too. He won't sleep with me.

_Sebastian Verlac. _


	9. This Tequila Business

**To Kyle**

**From Magnus**

**Subject This tequila business**

Mister Kyle, it is in your best interests that I politely inquire the reason in which you gave Isabelle Lightwood tequila. It is also in your best interests that I inform you that my lovely boyfriend is now on war path because of your lax alcohol laws. It is because of you that my room is still dirty, and my china cup got smashed. NEVER give a Lightwood alcohol. Especially the feral one.

By the way, Alec wants to see you. Protect your china cups.

Magnus Bane


	10. Tequila

**To Simon**

**From Maia**

**Subject Tequila**

All of Kyle's tequila's gone. What the hell did you do?

Maia

**Re: Tequila **

Maia,

Hi to you to.  
What the hell did _I _do? I didn't even know Kyle had tequila!  
Maybe you should ask someone else instead of blaming me STRAIGHT AWAY.  
I've hardly been over there, so maybe you should ask Kyle.  
It is _his _tequila.

S.

P.s I can't even drink tequila so…: P

**Re: Tequila **

I didn't want to say hi. By the way, I think there's a song you should listen to. It's called 'Cheaterchearterbestfriendeat er' by Never Shout Never.

Sure, sure. Just like you didn't know he was growing WOLFSBANE.

Who the hell am I going to ask? You're the one's bromance-ing, not me!

Yeah, you've been too busy sleeping with Isabelle.

Maia

P.S. Screw off, blood sucker.


	11. Snuffbox

To: Magnus Bane  
From: Woosley Scott  
SUBJECT: Snuffbox

Hello old friend.

Just wondering, DID YOU TAKE MY SNUFFBOX? I'LL KILL YOU IF YOU TOOK MY SNUFFBOX.

Many kind regards,

_Woosley S. _

**Re: Snuffbox **

Why hello, extremely old friend,

Uh, no. I did not take you snuffbox. He lied casually.

While having this wonderful chat, how did you get my email address? And on another hand, How are you still alive? I mean no offence just polite curiosity.

Magnus


End file.
